The Finale

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

So, this is it. This is the post that I've been dreading and anticipating writing in equal amounts. Angsty Me has been a very long, long rollercoaster. Its the sort of ride that a number of people have gotten on and off of and have usually staggered to the exit retching. Angsty Me has taught me many, many things. Its taught me how to control my emotions. How to be unreactive, yet to tell people what I think of them if they're pissing me off. Its allowed me to internalise my thinking patterns and allowed me to judge just how twisted myself (or other people) really are. Its made me burn a lot of bridges, but I feel empowered for doing so. Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet, but I'm not sure if I cooked it right, y'know?

Many of you will realise that this very post - and where its posted - is a testament to just how far I've come. Not too long ago I flaunted my bitchiness like it was the bee's knees, even going so far as to buy three separate domains for AM. Until last week (where a scandal almost did erupt about a post I made about five weeks ago) one of those domains (angstyme.com) still existed. Now it re-directs to Lemon Party. Tactful, eh? But that's the thing: I've learned to be discrete about my business. I've always used an Internet alias to hide my business offline from the thousands that view my writing (whether it be on The Three Rs or elsewhere) every month. What I really should have done was do this the other way round, too. At times, AM has proved to be an invaluable vent for me to totally bitch about people I've considered pretty close friends. If I had employed a level of sense to begin with, I would have only opened up AM to a very close circle - if to anyone at all. The greatest problem I've found with AM is peoples' misconceptions of it, as if a million people per day read it and so when I do rant at the expense of another person's character, they believe I'm risking their entire reputation to the world of the Internet. This is why people over-react whenever I talk about them on AM, because they think the blog is designed as some sort of twisted hate propaganda and, y'know, not just my feelings on e-paper. That being said, AM itself has evolved pretty strangely. It started out as a Gossip Girl kinda rag, where I'd voice the opinions of the people in a pretty articulate manner (as I said in last week's post), but it slowly turned into my own personal diary. That I share.

Another fallacy in peoples' thinking when it comes to AM is the posting system itself. AM is weekly, and therefore reflects the issues and thoughts presented to me of that week. Think of it like a news round up. Now I absolutely detest when certain individuals read things from 3 or 4 weeks ago and are offended by it. Its as if they totally missed the point. Just because I don't like you one week it doesn't mean that whatever you did has now gone over my head. I shouldn't need to fucking publicise the fact that whatever you did is now 'OK' to me, either. Why don't I delete posts that are no longer relevant to what I'm thinking? Well that would ruin the entire fucking point of having archives, wouldn't it? How am I supposed to provide pretty decent social commentary and reflect on how good/bad/whatever I was in the past, and how far I've come. To be honest, I wouldn't be able to even write this post without something in the past to build on. By getting pissy about stuff I've said about you in the past, you are preventing any sort of personality evolution for the better, not I.

Conversely, I'd argue that I've carried the whole thing off pretty well. I've had a few big incidents in the past, but for every Plan A there's always a Plan B (usually to just ignore anything anti-AM totally, heh). I've had the courage to stand up to what I don't believe in, and have found supporters from the most unlikely of places. While most people have perceived AM to be a cesspit of bitchiness and lies, I've managed to hold up the mirror to a number of people, and the situation has worked out the better for it. It is for this few that I am proud of my work here, and will hopefully continue to do so in future. Just not on the Internet.

Labels: and ill never read the two comments on the 'alarmism' post, heh, that's all for now folks, the end

Author: Melaisis » Comments:

One Week To Go

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

One week before AM officially shuts down. Its quite amazing really. I was looking at some of my older posts earlier, and some themes have really survived the test of time. Its important to note that, despite some assumptions by individuals, AM was never Gossip Girl. In fact, GG is pretty much the opposite of AM, even though they're both blogs keeping their audience updated on the activities of their respective social circles. Not only is GG fictional, but it is also indifferent. When the site receives a tip, they lay into them and try to stir trouble no matter who it is. That's why the mystery that powers the whole show is so compelling, because it could be anyone. AM, on the other hand, is a site powered by emotion. Internalised emotion at that. One of the many criticisms with AM is that I'm pretty incongruous. I don't call these people cunts to their face, so what gives me the right to do it to them on here?

I believe that this issue is one that has plagued AM for its two years of life and I'd like to set the record straight. To reiterate, AM is a blog full of internalised emotion and reflects my feelings at the time of posting. Aside from the odd outburst and throwing LEGO boxes at Sam, I'm generally quite calm in real life. Of course, if you've been following AM during these final weeks, you'll realise that being calm doesn't attract viewers. It goes beyond getting hits though. Its about getting to the very source of my feelings and expelling them onto a webpage. AM is not just a place to stir drama, but also serves as an articulate emotional outlet. People who fail to accept this and read everything I write for what it is (although I doubt some people read it properly at all) are the ones who get in a hissy fit.

I shouldn't need to tell you why I've kept AM public all this time. Not only does it have loyal fans from all around the world, but its also down to me simply not being arsed to invite the specific readers I know to a private viewing page. Furthermore, I think the point of most of the posts would be lost if it was me just ranting pointlessly. I won't lie and say I don't regret anything, but I believe I'm definitely not worse for starting this blog. I've only ever reconsidered one post, and that was before it was even published. I've burnt some pretty huge bridges in my time here, but if people cannot sympathise with what I'm saying then their lack of understanding and ultimate outrage is no big loss. This is why I've never really tried to defend myself after a pretty hurtful article has been publicised. Defending myself against someone who doesn't fully understand my motivations to begin with is really like trying to get blood out of a stone. There's no way I'm going to post something hurtful and then grovel up to those I've offended. That is not congruent. I've basically presented my argument, with all its fallacies, on a platter. Defending myself after that is pretty futile.

For the most part, I believe you guys recognise all of this. Sam made a pretty powerful comment on an offensive post a while back that I never properly replied to. However, what he says in that rhetoric is basically the whole sentiment behind AM. I don't totally support all of what I've ever said here and I do accept a lot of the stuff I say can be misguided or hurtful. However, what goes around comes around. I never bitch about anyone who doesn't deserve it - although I do sometimes blow stuff out of the water for minor offences (see: Lacey). Despite this, the first real post I made about Mr. A can still be applicable today. Whenever I'm out with him he's still a bit of an egotistical twat who won't take criticism, despite him being a virgin, unsuccessful with education, etc. Hypothetically, if he'd have seen the post maybe he would have changed for the better?

Labels: im a one track loveeeer, Mr.A, one week to go

Author: Melaisis » Comments:

Christ

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Two weeks until AM officially shuts down, and I can't even be arsed to write a proper post for this week? Eurgh. Y'know, I could talk about how I met the most beautiful person ever last night at a market research group. Seriously, she was like an 11 out of 10. But I've already told an absolute tonne of people about it, and repeating the story is kinda queer now; especially when I'd rather tell yous lot in real life. Nothing has really come of the experience anyway. Yet.

Trying out a new gadget for Blogger called 'Zemanta', which automatically inserts photos (if I wanted 'em) and tags into the post. Its pretty cool, but basically useless for AM. Ah well!

Labels: Advertising and Marketing, Business, Market research, Research Reports

Author: Melaisis » Comments:

Crying Like A Church On Monday

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

I've had many things on my mind this week. Mainly, they were either about my love life or money. Despite both of these issues being what I usually discuss on AM, I'm really not motivated enough to post about them today. In the past, this blog's duty was to reach out to people I couldn't usually talk to about certain topics. However, since I'm seeing my inner circle on a regular and confidential basis now that school has finished, I don't need to use AM as that tool any longer. Furthermore, since I'm not exposed to unlikeable and immature personalities daily, I have no need to bitch either. Despite my current problems, life, on a very basic level, is good.

Labels: life is good, meaning of angsty me

Author: Melaisis » Comments:

Alarmism

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I am anti-Alarmist.

What some of you may find alarming is that I intend to shut down this blog shortly after the prom (and therefore upon receiving my very appropriate award, hopefully). That will mean that AM will fall just short of one hundred posts. I'll probably update it from time to time thereafter, but not on a regular basis at all. Thank you to everyone who has been reading, and I hope you will continue to stand by me for the last month or so of posts.

An incident occurred earlier this week. No, not the sort of 'incident' that involves a DHARMA station and electromagnetism, but a drama-related one. It was spurred on by a very old associate (who has been mentioned many times in the past on AM) getting in touch for the first time in close to a year. Due to the unlikeliness that she continues to read this blog, especially given the change of domain, I'll explain the situation in full. See, this particular girl is no one really special. She had been one of my key confidants in 2008 (or rather, she confided more in me than I her) but we'd broken apart due to me dating one of her jaded friends and fucking things up. That isn't to say that things were particularly rough with us. I don't really keep my enemies on Facebook anyway.

Which is how this came about.

See, I was plugging The Three Rs in my status, as I usually do. There is nothing new about that. I did it earlier in the week and received a huge influx of people 'liking' it and leaving positive comments. Sometimes, I plug the site and I get no responses. This was one such occasion. Except that this particular person chose to comment my status, with the simple word 'yawn.'.

I do not mind my fellows opting to point out how boring the content on The Three Rs is. I expect them to give at least some feedback, otherwise how on Earth could we have improved the site over the years? However, when the first thing you say to me in 10 months is 'yawn' about a project I've been devoted to for 3 years, then surely you must understand my bitterness. This is especially considering that this person herself hasn't really done anything with her life aside from secure a cold-calling office job and dating a Dwarven boyfriend who is as thick as a tree trunk (I added him on Facebook after a night of light conversation at a party and the most he could say was 'HU IZ DIS!?' via message). Perhaps this certain individual would have preferred it if I plugged AM instead, ey?

Have a deek at my extended Playlist:

Labels: Common Room Drama, facebook

Author: Melaisis » Comments:

Drama On The Internet

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The following post is dated November 23rd, 2006 and is from the archives over on The Three Rs. Enjoy!

"Tequila... It makes me happy..."

I moped about Tuesday and Wednesday night. Why? For a number of reasons. Fortunately, the good folks on EVE-Radio had found something appropriate to fill in the infamous 'House of Blades' slot on Tuesday nights, so at least I had something to sulk to. Four drunken DJs in fact, playing Terrorvision for the majority of the night. Wonderful, really, for I was busy sipping a recently purchased three litre glass bottle of Barcadi Breezer (orange) and playing on World of Warcraft.

Now, newcomers to the blog will find a direct link to World of Warcraft within the first thirty seconds (or thirty minutes if you're slow) of reading this post to be rather suspicious. The regulars will no this is no joke, however - as I tend to spend the vast majority of my life on 'WoW'. Or did. For this week may mark the start of the end, folks. For there has been drama on the Internet.

'Drama, on the Internet!?'

Indeed. Not the kind of "lulz, u cyba!" drama either. This is a serious business! For World of Warcraft, as well all know, it taken far too seriously by some. I often believe I could do lectures at university level on the unwritten social rules of the Internet - but that was before I met World of Warcraft. Now, my whole way of thinking has been altered. For. The. Worse.

Now, spending the majority of your time online and having good experiences builds one's faith and courage of the infrastructure of the said Wide Web. As I've said many a time before, I've met many an interesting person on this here Interwebs. I'm prominent on a few forums; such as the PC Gamer UK official one (I'm in Best of the Forum this month, fellas! Go pick up a copy! It's only two lines of me!) and I spent four years on GAIA Online - the biggest English speaking forum ON THE INTERNET. Sure, it was packed full of meme, /b/aholics and thirteen year olds, but it was half-decent for my mental age at the time. It was quite informative, actually. Not only did I learn that you can be an utter arsehole on the Internet and get away with it; but also that there are people out there as funny, and witty as I am. Who understand my humour.

Then there's the great PC Gamer Forum. Bunch of witty lads with a strong, backbone community which is - despite various antics - still very strong and supportive to one another. It is more than a magazine fan forum. It is a community where everyone tends to respect each other's opinion and able to challenge it in equal amounts. If someone disagrees with you on PCGF, you know about it - yet it doesn't mean that you have to throw a hissy fit about it. It's just how people work on the Internet. On any forum or MMORPG. People are brought together in the shared love of a hobby or subject, or hatred of men, in the case of iVillage.

But on WoW. It is different.

It is a sickening sadness that grips the game. Well, not the game itself. The game, unlike what some claim, is rather a decent one. Full of things to do, places to go, people to see, villages to pillage, people to slaughter... all those sorts of things. Great premise, really. Especially when you combine it with the infamous backstory and lore of the Warcraft franchise.

But that's where the fun stops, and the drama begins. On Warcraft, as you may or may not know, the game is divided up into public-run servers. There's different server types, of course, allowing for alternate ways of play; like PVP (player verses player) PVE (player verses eviroment) RP (Roleplaying) and so on. Of course, each server has a different ruleset the players must abide by. Sounds simple enough doesn't it? That's because it is. When you pick a server, you choose a different community. You see the people on the server every day. You speak to them, you talk with them, you group with them. You talk on the realm forums. You make friends. It's typical Internet behaviour.

Wait, sorry. I'm wrong. With the gift of hindsight, I have learned this. Now, I have only experience with a RP-PVP server (namely Defias Brotherhood EU) - so, reader, bare in mind that I am not painting the entire game with one, very big, brush. That's like saying everyone on the Internet is a paedophile because you ventured into the AOL chatrooms. As we all know, I am entirely against that media-inflated view of the world that is widespread and so mainstream nowadays. So of course I am trying to avoid calling everyone on WoW a sadastic, frustrated nerd with no life - but meh.

That's right folks, I just suggested that someone else was a nerd. Or rather, a group of people. Do you know why?

Because they take the game too damn seriously.

Hence, avid reader, why I was sulking on a weeknight with illegally-bought alcohol in my bedroom. One of the only times ever I have been slightly depressed on the Internet. Ever. EVER.

EVER!

That's sinking in now, isn't it?

Now, the circumstances behind the said drama are rather complicated - and only my loyal readers of En Masse will be able to follow the saga with unpresidented interest. But, to be honest, don't bother. I'll be able to provide a good source of lulz in this here post. You see, on World of Warcraft - as En Masse readers will know - there is a thing called 'raiding' - where a group of people gather together to basically, kill dragons. Seems simple enough, doesn't it? Did to me, too. Sure, it can be frustrating at times, but heck - you get weapons at the end regardless, so why all the hassle?

No idea. But I tell thee this - people sure as Hell take that game damn seriously. It's a game, of course. Sure, we all know that we can have friends and relations over the Internet. But the realism in killing pixelated dragons is hardly a striking resemblance to real life - not matter how real the people behind the characters you do it with actually are.

The amount of people who don't realise this is shocking. Sure, the game may attract 7.5 million players world wide, but I didn't think the human race was really that stupid. I mean, come on, we may have all died on that last group of enemies before the last boss, but is that really necessary to get so worked up about? After all, it's not as if we just died in 'RL'.

There is also another problem with so many Internet regulars playing the game:

Egos are so damn big!

Now, I'm surprised this multi-blog has worked so well, to be honest. After all, we can hardly fit the egos of me and Wombatlord in here, nevermind Dee! Now, imagine if you have forty, of fifty room-filling egos and stuck-up snobs on a single server. Then give them positions of power over others. Do you see where this is going?

Due to this remedy of shit, we have a situation on our hands. Now, I rather like having my ego. And dignity. And pride. After all, familiars of this blog will notice that is one of the defining things that makes me so fluent as a political and satircal writer. I'm one of these fellas who wouldn't mind a dictatorship; as long as I'mon at the top of it. And if I ain't - I tend to go rather feral and fight against it. Metaphorically or, actually, fighting against it. Two very different routes, I'm sure you'll admit.

This is where the drama hits.

What happens, per se, if we have a few of these egos in a very small area. Then put under pressure due to 'raiding' bosses, then throw in the safety of being possibly hundreds of miles away and safe behind a monitor. Ladies and gentlemen, what do we get?

Drama. Lots of it. And, due to me not being in a position of power in the server but rather the fighter and somewhat acclaimed arrogant prick (welcome to the blog) I am often subject to being - in my own eyes - the victim of such drama. It is easy for the other 'friends' on our server to say that I am not being 'picked on' - but it is I which is acting like a prick. This is rather ignorant, in all honesty, and does not reflect or take into account my view on things or my feelings.

Hang on, but... this is an Internet community bonded by a relative thing?! Surely we should all naturally get along!

Wrong. Those of you who do chemistry and pyschology, check this:

Ego x [People on server] x [Need to command] x [Internet factors]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Other people on the server] x Common interest


What does this equal?





Now in four tedious flavours!

Unlike other Internet communities, or MMORPGs, WoW servers are divided again. Between people. Creating rifts due to the inabilty to accept that other people have feelings. "This is more than a game!" They cry. But is it? Despite us all paying ten quid a month to play by Blizzard's rules, but it does not mean we must strive to make the most of the game by shoving moral and ethical issues aside? Or maybe it does! After all, if you can organise that - then you can basically obey no one's rules except your own. This is bad. Because the influence that certain person holds over others on the Internet spells diaster for the person (me, in this case) who decides to voice his opinion against the said influence-holder, the suck-ups will obviously defend him to the very core.

So the server is spilt because one is forced away, or to hide, or to avoid such confrontations. Or to move server completely. Heck, I could do that. My reptuation is that bad due to one or two people 'exercising influence' that was enthrust onto them through a series of their own sucking-up and apologetic speeches. To me, I may be the most arrogant guy you all know - but heck, take a leaf out of PCGF's book - learn to respect opinions, for Christ's sake!

Labels: internet drama, old old posts, World of Warcraft

Author: Melaisis » Comments:

Continued

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I'm sorry for the abrupt ending of last week's post. I was going to extend it into an essay about how certain groups should not be able to dictate what others do at, say, the prom. I was going to make a point of declaring it stupid. We should all work to break down walls and create a more democratic and friendly community which can be enjoyed by everyone. People and love for all the world, woo!

I've been listening to the Braid soundtrack over the weekend. Its classical and epic. I highly recommend that you er... 'buy' the game, then rip the soundtrack. Yeah.

Uneventful seven days. I'm going to start working for another chain of club nights. So woo; I'm earning money!

Furthermore, I'm considering purusing K again. I phoned her the other night, stone sober. I stopped trying to game her and just relaxed. As a result, we both enjoyed chatting. Yeah, I was able to sneak in a few compliments, but I wasn't really intending to get in her pants. As a result, both attraction and comfort was built between us. Sure, I didn't score a date or whatever, but it certainly helped the feelings between us grow, especially since I didn't feel pressured to go out out.

Wish me luck in my new workplace, folks.

PS: I'm considering giving up the alias of 'Melaisis' completely. The funiness and relevance has died out over time, and it has been feeling like I've kept hold for the sake of it.

Labels: angsty rant, dating, Melaisis

Author: Melaisis » Comments: